I Can See Clearly Now

In the words of Johnny Nash : I Can See Clearly Now..not only because I have finally got around to washing the windows in the sitting room, kitchen and spare room, but because I needed a break from daily blogs.

I sent out a blog yesterday that was truly awful and I can only apologise if you read it. I hope not. It has since been deleted.

I would also like to apologise to my lovely mother-in-law and other guests who have stayed recently that the windows in your bedroom and the sitting room and kitchen were so filthy. In the end it took three buckets of replenished water for me to decide that they were clean.

A few changes need to take place now that we are in Spring and with a long term in front of us – 11 weeks! I welcome change when things aren’t working and in this time of reflection that is exactly what I intend to do.

I cannot continue to write a daily blog – not because I don’t enjoy the process and know that there are at least a few of you who enjoy this, but because I was beginning to find that it was becoming a question of quantity rather than quality. And there is nothing worse that reading trite at the end of a long hard day, when the very thing that is needed is uplifting positivity.

I do try to look for the positives in life, even when my heart is breaking, something I learned from Dad. It is not always the best approach and I have had to shut my mind and mouth at times lest an inappropriate comment slips out. I also know that I inadvertenely push people away because of the comfortable wall I build around me.

He and I are preparing for a long day tomorrow. We are going to see Muse at the SSE Hydro in Glasgow and if last Tuesday is anything to go by we won’t be home till at least midnight. One of my ‘guilty pleasures’ in life is to watch bands playing their music live. Last year a few of us went through to Haddington Corn Exchange to see The Troggs and The Animals, and each band had at least one original band member. The Animals were amazing and I danced happily for most of their set. I get so caught up in the moment that I don’t notice who is around me and that night was no different. I was therefore very surprised when a few weeks later one of the SQA invigilators made light of the fact that he had enjoyed my dancing. He is a sweet man, long since retired from teaching and not anyone I would have connected with seeing at a gig. But he was there.

Music is universal and brings so many of us together for so many varied reasons.

As I write this I am flipping through my iPod and playing whatever takes the mood. I am feeling a little morose – missing Emma today – and so there is a slight air of wistfulness in the kitchen but I will finish on high – Sound from James I think.

Current tune is George Ezra Blame It On Me – the last song I played to Emma. She was lying in her bed with her eyes closed and as much as she could had a wee boogie under the bedclothes. After all we had shared musically it was the last thing I could do, to introduce her to new music.

Shortly after that George Ezra was playing at the Glasgow University Union. T was at home with friends, heard he was in the area and bombed down to Ashton Lane, pushed her way onto his tour bus, barefoot as she was, and told him that the last new song her precious Auntie heard was his. What a gal.

It is my birthday on Tuesday and when asked what was planned I replied that I would do everything in my power to perform well at work, having been deprived of sleep, come home for a light super and head to Callanetics for a stretch and cool down. To hear the familiar soundtrack Lucy has and to hear her inimitable ‘Right Ladies, here we go..’ will be all the relief I need.  However, I might be persuaded to have a wee glass of Ardbeg Corryvrekkan to settle me into the kind of slumber that my poor tired body will need.

Emma said that cancer was the best thing to have happened to her – I might dispute that because I don’t have her here anymore but I promised I would try to see the world through her eyes and I hope you get even  small glimpse of that through this writing. Turning 50 is the best thing to have happened to me – that and, of course, L+T.

I welcome the progression into being 50+, feeling fitter, stronger, more mindful and determined than ever.

I Can See Clearly Now – a pome

So cold these last few days

and yet a sky so blue.

A sudden hailstorm assaulted my senses;

As I pulled my jacket close and bent my head,

encouraged Jack to keep up.

Within minutes, the residue of white

guided me home.

Hot coffee revived me,

while the washing flapped in the cold Spring breeze.

Home is filled with fresh air and clean linen.

A tear sneaks past my brave smile –

and the change in tune puts a wiggle in my hips.

As ever, I go with the flow – Stayin Alive.